if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My life is pants optional.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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