There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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