Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
