I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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