no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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