Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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