at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he thought i was a dude.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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