About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
