I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
