I am spending my child support on dildos
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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