a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
