i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
