In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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