Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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