I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
