FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
