I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
