you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
