God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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