I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
