At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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