How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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