anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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