I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
