I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
