the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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