You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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