Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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