Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Randomize
