I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
