I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
