I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
