So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
