Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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