My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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