I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
