accomplished twins. life is a go
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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