I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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