what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
