Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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