I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
