He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
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I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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