I just pynch a tree in the face
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
