Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
