can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
