I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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