I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
