how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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