I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
