so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
