I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
