Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
