I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?