im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
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do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible