As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.