I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?