At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.