Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options