You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
