I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
