so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
