I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
