Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
