Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
